Diary · Experience

Chit Chat : Suffocating


This what I feel since I got my new job. My life change only for days and I lost some weight and I don’t even happy for that. I was mentally tired and so with my body. The pressure are surreal crazy and the work load seems never ends.

I cried lots and at the moment I could feel as if losing my soul and confidence. I not used to be type of crying babies and recently I turned even worst, crying feels like routine and I afraid losing my sanity.

Still in my job on training but I feel want to leave and yet I couldn’t easily give up. This complicated feeling are so contradiction and depressing. A fellow who was together with me last time, doing this job on training has gave up and resigned after struggling for two weeks and now remain me alone to struggle and survive in this new job.

The seniors staff are nice but the “boss” somehow sent such not welcoming signal whenever our eyes meet. She even pretending as if I wasn’t there. I tried to greet her but she acting as if not seeing “my appearance”.

I want to quit but give up so easy isn’t my style.

stress isn’t something new to me, everyone experiences it in their life but this time I feel like broke inside and outside myself. I was extremely exhausting, hardly to sleep but still need to wake up early in the morning before sun rise (3 AM everyday since working in new place), go home always late night at seven and there no energy left for me to do another things.

I got complained for my slowness, I should memorized many codes and etc. Things that makes me almost cried-bleed was the fifth day after I joined the company, the trainer who has higher position than senior staff and lower than “boss” asked me about things in work description, written in the manual book. to be honest I not understand what written inside the manual book, I tried my best to answer what I knew and based on my own understanding and also the logic explanation. I haven’t finished with my answered and being cut off directly by “used your brain when you answer.” she told me directly and I just stopped, without further words.

I didn’t feel my answer wrong, even if I did said wrong, she should listen until I done and point out my wrong or she could speak more in nicer way, why should be so harsh, didn’t we also employees who working for some reason?

tried being positive by saying things will be fine, every day is new day. I am encouraging myself still my day is tougher day by day. I just don’t know how long I will endure all things….


18 thoughts on “Chit Chat : Suffocating

  1. 你好宝宝啊! 我看你的blog每天每天,可是我没空,所以我不会说很多啊。我都明白。真的。我也想这个。。。痛苦。精神上的痛苦。昨天我哭。在我的生,我想我没有一个东西。我没有工作。我想我是一个财政负担。每天我想“不是不是,这是废话”。可是,每天我想。昨天,我哭起来,也不会停止。把我妈妈抱起来我三个中,真的。可是,我知道。。。啊,一个人还爱我。所以,如果你想这个痛苦,你说跟我。我抱你,我听你。如果你要你会email我。可是,你也识到还有一点儿希望。希望你明天能来。快乐和幸福热诚地希望。~艾真澄💖💖💖


    I am sorry you are going through a tough time at your new job.

    Have your talk to your trainer how you feel? Don’t ever let others bad and nwgatives attitude put you down because it’s not worth it.

    Is this job your first job? Is his job what you really want to do? What I mean is this job your dream job, a job you want it for a career? Do you really need this job to make ends meet like paying bills, put food on the table? Is there othere job can you do beside this job? If this is not after you answer all the above questions then leaving this job is not call quiting on yourself because YOU & YOUR SANITY are more important.

    I am sure there are plenty jobs and the right one out there waiting for you. Since this job is taxing you beyond words to the extend you are spiritually, mentally and physically exhausted than this job is not for you.

    It take courage to admit this job is not for you and leaving it. Leaving is not called quiting Azurro. I am sure and believe that you are a smart girl and don’t ever let others like your current trainer and bad attitudes boss to put you down because they are not worth it.

    If this job is something you wanted to do more than your own sanity then I would advise you to soldier on. If not then it is alright to leave and let other new trainees to roughen it out.

    Beside sharing how you feel on your blog, have you share it with anyone else like someone you are close to?

    1. Hi Julie,
      Thanks for the advice + supporting words.
      I have asked myself such as does this job really worth for all things that I sacrifice?
      This isn’t my first job since I have worked in many places before but this is my first time working in such big company.

      If you are asking me about why I work, for career? for money? or what? To be honest money is important but I’m not in condition which I should worry about billing or expenses. As for career, I not aiming for top managerial position or any others high rank position.

      I have talked with my sisters but they said to endure at least three months. My younger sis said, perhaps I kind “shock” with the work so I acted too much, she said after another few days things might go better.

      1. Hi Azurro,

        Sometimes it is good to express how you feel to your trainer or even your female boss. Ask them for advice on how to get better in your work. A lot of things also come down to organisation and I am sure that you can do it.

        The main thing is to eat well and try to relax and not letting others people bad attitudes to effect you and your concentration in your work.

        Whenever I feel stress I always ask Jesus to help me through my day and focus on Lord Jesus Christ help me through a lot too. Try not to look to the left nor right but focus straight ahead in another word focus on Jesus.

        I meant to give you this verse from the bible before but I did not because I do not know where about you are standing in term on a lot of things but now I will share it with you.

        Psalms 23

        The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honour to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and Your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honour me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely Your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will in the house of the Lord forever.

  3. The big question is do you see yourself happily working there for a while, if not, don’t force yourself too hard, it will only make you unhappy. If any positive could come out of this is that it will only make you stronger!!

  4. Dear Azurro,

    Be strong! Anywhere is the same. There is always challenge ahead, you just need to break thru. Gambatte!! Fighting!!

    All the best to you. You can do it.


  5. That place sound horrible!!!!

    I agree with your sister, try for 3 months, if after prohibition you still depressed, that place not worth for you, I believes your smart girl, so there’re lotsa opportunity for you out there than be frustrated and depressed at those place full of “power maniac” ^^

    FIGHTING, oh, and keeps PRAYING!!!

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